Woman Struggles with Husband's Weight Loss Talk amid Her Eating Disorder

A woman in her 40s faces a dilemma between supporting her husband's weight loss success and safeguarding her mental health amid her lifelong struggles with anorexia and bulimia.

Her husband recently shed weight through drugs, diet and exercise after a long battle. She takes pride in his progress, especially as he tapers off medication and keeps up a healthy routine. He knows about her eating disorders, which she manages in periods but which sometimes flare up. She has not found a suitable therapist.

Since his transformation, their home life centers on calorie counts, workout reports and talk of shrinking clothes. She hides her distress to avoid dampening his spirits, given his defensiveness, but feels overwhelmed inside. Despite holding steady in size through their relationship, she compares herself to him and fears aging and replacement. Pretending to be fine leaves her exhausted and deeply triggered.

She wants to ask him to ease up on success details without seeming unsupportive, and to shield her recovery when his unwitting actions make it tougher.

Columnist Annalisa Barbieri sympathizes, calling his achievement worth celebrating but not at her mental health's cost. She consulted UK charity Beat Eating Disorders, which notes how isolating and triggering eating disorders are, especially with weight loss drug hype and misinformation. The nonstop home focus on calories and weight adds to it.

Beat suggests he needs details on her feelings. Pointing him to their helpline lets a third party explain support without it seeming personal.

"Your husband’s role isn’t to be a professional," a Beat spokesperson said, "but to be understanding and hear the impact it’s having on you."

Barbieri questions if his weight fixation borders on unhealthy and if she sees parallels. She urges restarting the therapist search via Beat's helpfinder for in-person, online or phone aid. Professional support would help process fears like replacement.

Putting on a brave face drains her and denies peace, which she deserves. Outside help might aid talks with him. Her feelings matter as much as his; his needs can't dominate.

A shared non-food interest could bridge gaps. UK helpline: 0808 801 0677. US: nationaleatingdisorders.org or ANAD at 800 375 7767. Australia: Butterfly Foundation at 1800 33 4673. More at Eating Disorder Hope.

Barbieri fields reader problems weekly. Email: ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. No personal replies; terms apply. Podcast available.