Woman Frustrated by Partner's Long Sleep on Limited Time Together

A woman in her mid-50s describes her three-year relationship with a man she first dated at ages 19 and 20. The couple laughs often and shares a passion for travel. But his habit of sleeping 10 to 12 hours a night creates tension.

He often stays in bed until 1 p.m. on days off. This cuts into their mornings during frequent trips, her favorite time. She has raised the issue, and he sometimes tries to wake earlier but soon reverts. They see each other once a week and do not live together, making time precious. She ends up waiting for him to rise.

Talks of living together have surfaced, but she fears resentment. He runs late in general, though she notes many people do. Both have children, and she hesitates over blended family holidays, given his daughter stays in bed until 2 p.m.

She asks if she should accept that this will not change.

Eleanor responds that countless loving relationships struggle over sleep in the literal bed. Love involves choices between people, but sleep does not. Such issues loom large because people wrongly tie them to morality.

She detects frustration in the letter but says to separate annoyance from moral judgment. Sleep is not inherently moral. It might involve screen time in bed, but otherwise stems from factors beyond control. Circadian rhythms vary. Antidepressants or depression disrupt cycles. Preferences simply differ.

Eleanor imagines the man's view: He needs 10 hours of sleep and feels best late at night. Forcing early rises cuts into pub time with friends or late activities. Her early bedtime prevents movies after 9:30 p.m. or late plans. Their precious time suffers because she insists on early starts and beds.

The gap is just a divergence, not a dictate on who yields. With neutral habits like sleep, avoid assuming one's way is superior. She agrees 1 p.m. is too much and culture values mornings as virtuous and energetic. But mornings feel wretched to some, like sleep needs for temperature, light or security vary.

Picture someone demanding changes to your sleep habits and how impossible it seems. In romance, the aim may not be matching closely but finding cooperative ground. His sleep may stay the same, but responses can shift.

The reader's letter has been edited for length.